Worthless Online - About - Ben: The Megalomaniac

“The Sons of God went down to Earth and took—here, took means ‘raped’—the Daughters of

Men—here, men means badass men. As a result, these so-called Daughters of Badass Men

gave birth in one hundred percent of the cases to half-breed human/divine-creature-things

that were awesome in every which way. They were called the Nephilim. And the Nephilim,

being so awesome it sometimes hurt, also began to spread their seed in a bunch of other

ladies (presumably consensually, but this is unclear) all across the Godforsaken lands in so many

different positions your head would become pregnant if you knew all the details. Goliath, of

David and Goliath fame, was one such being, or a descendant of one, as were, no doubt,

Achilles, Robin Hood, Zorro, George Washington, James Bond, and Oprah Winfrey of The

Color Purple fame. Four thousand odd years later (or, who knows, maybe even more)

Worthless Ben was born, the last descendant of the Nephilim, and the one who would

come to end the world as we knew it.”

—Genesis 6:1:4

Worthless Ben is, first and foremost, a megalomaniac of gargantuan goddamn proportions. He’s like hurricane sex meets volcano herpes—which, incidentally, is the name of his upcoming memoir—and the bastard child of an Eva Braun, Scrooge McDuck, and Bugs Bunny three-way. Fun Fact: Though Ben’s not exactly the ‘leader’ of the Worthless gang, per se, he is certainly the most well-endowed in the penis area. (Ed. Note: There is no way to verify this.)

Rather rapidly and at his own unpredictable whim, Worthless Ben will transition from asshole to smartass to sociopath to psychopath to amoral monster to Satanic monster to pimp-town king-hooker with a heart of gold to badass (not really) to yella-bellied coward on into forever. Truth be told, there are so many different facets of his personality, so many deeply-rooted character flaws drawn within the context of brutally honest social commentary, that he puts more celebrated works of fictional art to shame (e.g. Moby Dick, Citizen Kane, Watchmen, The RZA) in a single panel or breath of dialogue, such as: “Whose coat am I using as a pie-tray?” or the following little gold mine: “Spencer, you better SHUT them bleeding pussy-lips or I will staple them shut for you!”

Admittedly, Worthless Ben loves precious few things in life, but when he does, by God, there is no love grander, more passionate, or more beautiful in all the ever-expanding cosmos of SHIT. What does he love, you ask in a tepid, hesitant murmur with brittle, shivering fingers full of fright, tapping on the table? He loves, I say through gnawing teeth via the determination to finish writing this crap, the following things (in no particular order): lesbians, movies, lesbian porn, comic books, comic strips, chocolate chip cookies, Spencer’s suffering, making Spencer suffer, making fun of Spencer in hopes that he will suffer, tricking Spencer into thinking that his family was dead because usually people suffer when they think that kind of thing, drinking Diet Rite with reckless abandon whilst reveling in Spencer’s suffering, making fun of people that aren’t Spencer, hatching schemes that never work but always want to, being awesome, ruining Spencer’s romantic relationships (too bad Spencer always beat him to it), killing vampires, and “going #2.”

My…favorite Worthless Ben moments (unlike his scant few loves) are many in number, almost too numerous to count, but I’m gonna do it anyway because this is an about page and that’s what aboutpages are all about. If for some reason you’re averse to the length of this about page, go watch that popular Friends show that all the ladies and children and foreign peoples are talking about—it’s only a half hour long and even less when you take out the plentiful commerciales.

“Ben Loves Lesbians.” He sure does. He loves them so much he has a semi-super-power that allows him to recognize them by scent and scent alone. God, what a juvenile comic to write! But do I look, or even sound, like I’m ashamed of doing so? I don’t even know how to be, quite frankly. Shame? Yes, I’ve got that. Ashamed? No, never been.

“Ben VS. Spencer=Wolverine VS. Cyclops.” I really think this first ever Worthless comic ever in the history of ever Worthless EVER holds up pretty damned well, all things considered. (Ever.) I mean, come on, people—it was the first-ever-Worthless-comic-ever-ever-ever! So keep that in mind when pointing your snooty, crooked nose at me and blowing your pretension into my cleanex of a website. First! Ever! Just look at that symbolism, too. Jesus, this comic is just dripping with symbolism (not half as bad as Spencer’s oft-occurring anal-leakage, though). And, FYI, I’m pretty sure this was based on numerous real life arguments Spencer and I would have on the subject. To this very day, I don’t understand any of that “if he was on an open field” bullshit. I mean, why would Wolverine meet Cyclops on the opposite end of a football field for a duel to the death? That doesn’t make any fucking sense, and it never will, no matter how many times people repeat it to make themselves feel better. That’s like Batman showing up and old-timey boxing Superman without the help of A) his brain and B) his kryptonite. It just wouldn’t happen that way. But that’s another argument, and I digress.

“Ben VS. The Giant Insect Teacher.” Nowadays, teachers-who-are-secretly-giant-man-eating-insects-trying-to-kill-you stories are a dime a dozen, but when I made this little ditty way back in the day (like, seven fucking years ago), the idea was unheard of, unprecedented, and incredibly innovative. Also: Pretty much every moment in this story is one of my favorite Ben moments.

"Ben VS. Billy, the Boy Wonder." I realize that this is one of the George-Lucas-style revisions and not something from original Worthless canon, but I just love these comics so much that I don't care. First, I love how disturbingly ruthless Ben is. (Glass shard to the eyeball. Check. Wrapping Billy's bungie-cord around his neck to hang and kill him. Check.) Second, I love his Schwarzenegger-esque line at the end. Predator connoisseurs will undoubtedly notice that it bears a striking resemblance to this classic line. You bet your ass that's intentional.

“Ben VS. Vampire Spencer: The Terrible.” This is such an awesome moment, and not even just an awesome Ben moment. It’s great because, firstly, you get to see how absolutely happy Ben is that he can finally put a stake through Spencer’s heart. It’s like all of his dreams have come true in one single, sadistic moment. And secondly, it’s a riff on that old bullshit deal that happens in every vampire and zombie movie where the good guy can’t kill his brother, wife, mother, father, best friend, girlfriend, dog, or whatever the hell, even though they’ve turned into a BLOODTHIRSTY ZOMBIE AND/OR VAMPIRE AND THEY’RE GOING TO KILL YOU IF YOU DON’T. My ass you wouldn’t kill them all the way to hell and happily.

“Tail Spin? More like BEN Spin!” Ben as Baloo and Dan as Kit Cloudkicker from Disney’s Tailspin. I think this one is pretty self-explanatory.

"Ben Is Far Too Trusting." Good lord, Ben! Everyone knows you can't trust a robot to tell you whether or not he's a robot.

“He’s Baaaack.” And he’s riding Satan piggy-back! Frankly, this is another one of those stories where pretty much all the Ben moments are my favorites, and that’s mostly because all of the moments in it are some of my favorite Worthless moments, period. I also came up with this idea way back before Worthless even began publishing, which you can confirm with the other four members if you’d like. How awesome town is that? (Ed. note: Pretty fucking awesome town.)

“That Last Japanese Detectives Comic.” Pure vintage Ben. He kills the love of Hass’ life (accidentally?), is really politically incorrect and insensitive about it, goes on to kill the head Yakuza boss, videogame-style, and then, by default, becomes the head Yakuza boss himself. You’ve gotta know that eventually all his Yakuza lackeys got so annoyed with him that they just quit answering his phone calls. My god, how could they not?

“Ben’s Gotta Get a Job.” Jobs are Ben’s kryptonite (yes! my second kryptonite reference in one about page), along with feminine hygiene products and the word “feminine hygiene products.” I love this scene because you can see it in his eyes—he’s so utterly heartbroken by the fact that he has to get a job. And hey, I just saw a rat run by my window that was, literally, the size of a cat (Garfield the cat, in fact, because it would have to be an obese cat to be as big as this fucking rat king was).